Who are these women? Why are they so different? They’re like some kind of magical puzzle: fun to try and figure out, but just when you think you understand it in it’s entirety, the pieces morph into something new and you are back at square one.

Aren’t I deep? I should write a book or something. But seriously, there is me and them (women), and one of us is kinda messed. Guess it’s me.

Here’s a bit of a “mind in the gutter” type post… I smacked a woman in the boob today. There, now you know. I hit her really hard too. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say it was a hilarious turn of events which culminated in a completely accidental slap on the boob. Honestly, I didn’t even see her coming. While it is pretty funny in retrospect, it was really a shame because she looked gorgeous and intelligent and all those other good things. It would have been nice to actually talk to her (she ran off as soon as I hit her). Life has a funny way of flaunting those things you can’t have right in front of your face… then again, I guess I was the reason she ran off. Darn boobs, I would have never guessed that ample breasts would be the reason I couldn’t get a girl.

You no doubt guessed in my previous post that the woman I met was an old flame. I’ve got two quick questions.

1. Do you ever get the feeling that an old flame still wants you? If so, how the heck do you handle that if you know it wouldn’t work but are curious none the same.

In my “old friends” situation I didn’t really get that kind of vibe, but in talking with other people afterwards I found out that perhaps I should have.  Tricky situation.

2. Why, almost be definition, old flames are also always hot? Or more precisely, why do they seem more attractive then you remember them when they were with you? Is that some kind of law of nature? Because it sure perplexed me.

Trust is and has always been a tricky subject in my life. Like most people I can state with conviction that many individuals in my life have lost and/or gained my trust. But unlike most people, I don’t think I’ve ever really trusted anyone fully (at least on my definition of “full”) … at least not since my childhood/teenage years, and those times seem so long ago. Who can really trust their memories fully? I doubt such a feat is possible. Perhaps it’s my adult perspective which creates this wall of mistrust I stand behind; perhaps it’s my skeptical nature.

I think trust has a lot to do with responsibly. I know a few people who, despite how much I care about them, I just cannot see to trust in certain situations because I know that they area and will be anything but responsible. Take, for example, the act of doing something you regret while drunk. You may say I’m sorry. You may say I didn’t mean too. And you may even be sincere. But we both know you are still blameworthy. It maybe just a loss of your inhibitions, but those are you inhibitions and you were the one who drank. All of those actions, events, and consequences are still yours. The claim that “it wasn’t me” is just false, it was you, and it was your act. You’re culpable in court, and I guess that means (at least in the instance I’m thinking of) you’re culpable in my world too. A drunk driver who hurts someone is guilty, there is no avoiding that.

We know how trust is lost. So what makes trust? Is it a long term association, one filled with honesty? Is it personality traits which agree among different individuals? To be honest I don’t really know. Then again, why should I? I’m the one who can’t trust anyone. In my life there are a slim few who I trust explicitly, without question. There are others who I would love to fully trust but because of who they are, what they are like, what they do, etc. I am never able to fully bring myself to. Why is that?

I’ll leave you with one last thought: Slinky + Escalator = Infinite Fun.

I met up with someone I haven’t really talked to in a long time yesterday. She was different. It wasn’t like she was a completely different person, but she just wasn’t the same. Changes are inevitable over time I guess. I think the reason that I’m bringing this up is basically that the changes I saw in her were not for the best. Now I’m not going to start bashing her or anything because she still is the same great person, and there is certainly nothing wrong with her that I could ever see, but I still can’t sit back and not attempt to discern just what happened in her.

While I have known her for many years, most of those recent years have been filled with only infrequent and fleeting contact. Despite this fact, I have maintained an extremely deep respect for her. In my case, hold this kind of respect for someone is a rare occurrence, almost to the point where it never happens. Perhaps this deep love for her was due to our past history, perhaps it was based on some kind of imaginary buildup of her positive qualities, I don’t really know. Whatever the case, I always felt as if there were few people on this earth who I respected and trusted more, despite our lack of contact in the recent years. So basically, she holds a place in my heart which very few other people do or ever will. I think of her and smile.

Our conversation generally revolved around old times, those connections we both shared in the past. Sure, there was a bit of “what’s new with you”, but overall the reminiscing just seemed more appropriate. As we talked, I just started picking up on little things, not all bad, but differences between the girl I once knew and the woman before me. And the fact was, she had changed, and changed in unexpected directions at that. Now, this was not so much in any discernable or describable manner. She was still the woman I knew and loved, but something was different. The main reason for this post was to make an attempt at to describe just what that something was. My own thoughts and curiosity seemed to have prompted this question, and so far I still haven’t gotten very far. Perhaps this is futile.

I wonder exactly what is different. I can’t put my finger on it. I wonder what changed her. I wonder if she is really ok. I wonder if she is masking her true feelings and thoughts like I do. I wonder how she thinks of me. …and I desperately want to know all these answers… I really do. It is too bad that I have put myself in a position which makes it impossible to be close enough to find out.

So I never really got around to making any concrete resolutions. Does that make me worse off then the people who made some but have already given up (it’s Feburary already?). I did start to hit the gym again, and I hope to keep that going, but I know come summer and my other plans for next fall I will have a really tough time finding the time.

Photo copyright of unknown artist (who is really good)

Keeping a blog updated is harder then it looks. My life just isn’t really that interesting and my literary skills are sadly lacking. So to that end, I will just leave you with a question, one which is breathlessly broad and seemingly futile to address. Of course, you should note that the one word responses just won’t do here. I want to have some valid reasoning to back up your claim. Sorry this is starting to sound like a philosophy exam. Ok, here she goes:

In general, is the world improving or worsening? … and why.

In school I used to hate when they added the “and why” to a question. You went from a straight forward answer to something which requires real thinking, a task which I never seem to feel like doing in the middle of an exam.

Based on pure gut reaction, I’m inclined to go with the former. Why? I’d like to think that the positive outlook is due to my nature, but strangely enough I consider myself to be a pessimistic person, and yet here I am maintaining that the glass is half full. Truthfully I don’t have any concrete reasoning for this perspective… at least that is a good justification for asking the question. So hit me with it. Are we all doomed to a future of decay, or will the “human spirit” (whatever that is) overcome?

Don’t ask me how. Don’t ask me why. But through stream of consiuousness that I shall not recount here I came upon this pointless yet perplexing question: Do any wild cows still exist?

Sure, I know there are cows that range free across large tracts of land, but they eventually get rounded up. They are owned by someone. In contrast, there are wild pigs, horses, and all most every other domesticated farm animal. Is the cow the only one of the lot who has long been completely erradicated in the wild?

Just a stupid question… but dam it, I want an answer.

So I guess this is the time of the year when the blogosphere goes wild with predictions and resolutions for the year which has already started flowing past us into the eternity of the past. Do I join the masses of the geek minority and share my goals and aspirations? Should I succumb to the urge to loudly blabber about what I intend to accomplish, all the while with the notion floating in the back of my head that life never goes as planned, and this year will be no different. Sorry for the sudden skeptical critique here, but I’ve got to ask, does anyone have any statistics as to how many people keep those resolutions? How many people actually keep going to the gym once it’s February? Does anyone really quit smoking on New Years? Yah, I guess some people are successful. They actually make a lasting change. So I’ll admit that New Years resolutions do have some merit. I think the problem I have with them is basically that I’m more of a goal type of person. You can set goals when ever, you can complete goals when ever, you can give up on goals whenever. There just seems to be something about a resolution that has an air of permanency to it; as if you’ve really done a terrible thing if you fail it. Goals just don’t have that imperativeness attached to them. Don’t get me wrong, they’re important, you can’t take them lightly either (at least if you really intend to complete them). But you have to admit there is a slight difference in our notions of a New Years resolution and a goal you set for yourself… or am I completely crackers on this? Maybe I should think over these posts before I start my rant. They would definitely turn out more intelligible and possibly coherent posts.
Come to think of it, I don’t think that I have ever personally made any New Years resolutions. I’ve never really been the type. I guess if someone asked me I’d make up some bogus answer about “reading more” or “doing such-and-such that I’ve always wanted to do”. Maybe this year is the time to actually throw one of these notorious resolutions down on the table and see what comes of it. Trouble is, if I do make a call like this, I’m not the type of person to brush it off or not complete it. Consequently I have to be really careful that I make a resolution which I can actually keep. I guess that’s where the tricky part comes in. You have to make a resolution which is simple and direct enough so that you are sure you wont give up, forget, etc but at the same time you have to resolve to push yourself a little. Step out of your comfort zone as they like to say. So, rather then jump in with a claim that I will save the rain forests, I think the only course of action is to spend some time thinking about this a little bit. To that end I guess I’ll get back to you with the resolution(s) when I come up with them. I’ll try not to make them to easy, challenges are good, just don’t expect me to be revamping my whole life… although that would be kind of fun and quote the challenge at that… and it would make for some interesting blog posts as well. We’ll have to see. Ok here we go, resolution number one: I resolve to sleep on this resolution and get back to actually making one later. Yah, pretty lame, I know. But what can you do? These resolutions just never seem to be what we want. Too easy to be a real resolution, too hard to be a reasonable resolution.

So, it’s new years eve and I’m sitting at home lonely and sinking in the quicksand of self-pity… but no one wants to hear about that. Complaints aren’t what blogs are meant for. Although … in this blog, though I may try my very best to avoid it, some of these thoughts will inevitably slip through the cracks. Yes, I bashfully confess. You, oh fearless reader, are going to end up reading some complaints.. some major complaints… some boring, depressing, “my life sucks” kind of rants. It has already been fated by the gods themselves. I will eventually end up lamenting some horrible situation found within my life. A life which is, in reality, actually far better then the majority of the world’s population. So, I therefore make this disclaimer before I continue any further:

Assuming I keep this blog up (which is unlikely), and assuming you the reader choose to keep reading it (which is even more unlikely), you will end up coming across sentences, paragraphs, and whole posts of bullshit. Not the lying asshole kind of bullshit, and not the intellectual kind of bullshit if there is such a thing, but the kind of bullshit that no one should have to put up with. This would be the self-pity/depression form of bullshit… by far the worst type of bullshit to endure. Because life is far to short to waste your time reading such drivel, meaning it can’t do you any good at all, I suggest that when this act of literary groveling inevitability occurs, you the reader must take action. The simplest solution to such a dilemma is of course to lightly avert your eyes (and maybe harass me in the comments). Perhaps you will do this only for a few words, perhaps a few lines… probably the rest of that post. But I have faith in you, my intelligent reader. I have faith that thought such avoidance in both necessary and desirable. I have faith that you recognize these facts, and armed with such knowledge you will still be able to recognize the alluring nature of this blog, and therefore you will return to see what comes next in the life of moi.

Now that I’ve got the disclaimer (and any attempt at writing something with any sense of literary intelligence) out of the way, I can regress into the lower case I’s and improper sentences that the wonderful world wide web is so fond of.

New year, new blog, I guess that’s how it goes.